(Editor's note: to random internet folk who stumble across this, this is not an actual how-to. There are significantly smarter ways to take cold showers—think a kettle and a bucket. This is simply what I did one time when stuck for a week in a dorm one summer in St. Petersburg without hot water.)
How to Take a Cold Shower
So the time has come. You, a being of extreme privilege who has never had to take a cold shower in your life (not counting those couple of times where the water suddenly turned cold after the forty minutes you were in there) find yourself in a position where no other option may be taken. It is do or die, kill or be killed, be clean or stay stinky: you must shower with cold water.
How will you manage to deal with such a horrific situation? Will you even survive?? Well, fear not, dear friend, because I hereby present to you: The Privileged Person’s Guide to Cold Showers.
Step 1: Walk into the shower room and place your toiletries in the appropriate places, if applicable. Keep your towel within reach. Remove your shirt, pants, underwear and dignity.
Step 2: Figure out how the hell to turn the water on. Seriously, who designs these things?
Step 3: Once the water is coming out of the showerhead, gingerly place your hand under it (without stepping in yet) and joyfully discover that it’s even colder than you were expecting—basically liquid ice.
Step 4: Stare at the shower for five to ten minutes while contemplating how it came to this. They told you there would be hot water. THEY TOLD YOU.
Step 5: Finally gather the courage to step in the shower, but only after redirecting the water flow into a corner.
Step 6: As usual, it’s best to get the hardest part out of the way first. Take a deep breath and lower your head under the water, making sure it will drip directly onto the ground and not your body. Run your hands through your hair to make sure that it gets wet enough to wash. Try not to notice that it feels like you’re drowning.
Step 7: Apply shampoo to your hair, still making sure not to drip onto yourself. Make sure it gets washed thoroughly. Muffle your sobs.
Step 8: Rinse your hair one last time to get the shampoo out, and immediately grab your towel to dry it—only one part of your body need be wet at once!
Step 9: One by one, wash each of your body parts. For maximum discomfort, start with the chest or back. Do NOT place any part under the water stream; use your hands to apply water on the surface of your body little by little, following with the soap and then another rinsing. Dry each body part immediately after washing. Make sure to thoroughly rinse; your body does not naturally lather when rubbed!
Step 10: You’re done! All body parts washed and dried, all you need to do is turn off the shower and get dressed. This may be difficult due to the hypothermia already having rendered your hands black and withered shells of what they once were, but we’re sure you’ll manage!